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These thoughts

5/2/06 10:00 am

Ok.... heres the story.

Mum rolled her car, so she has no car.
Her licence was in that, so she cant get a rental car.
She has two dogs, so she cant catch a bus.
And she has no friends to drive her back to christchurch (shes on the west coast by the way).
Shes stuck, and shes asked me to find out a way to get her back....
So i have to come up with someone with a car to get her back.... Oh yeah.... That will be easy....
just fucking peachy.
Well I get back to christchurch on wensday... And apparently i cant stay in the house because our landlady is unpredictable and... I might get us kicked out... or something...
So i have to land myself on one of my friends without warning.
Fuck... Everythings fucked lol.....
Everythings... fucked.

4/30/06 12:30 pm

OPETH!!
Last night.
It was unbelivable.
I rammed my way through hundreds of people pushing me away, all the way to the front.
And spent the night 3/4 feet away from mikeal and peter!!
Pushing away the people trying to push up next to me, god so many people!! so cramped!
So extatic!
Mikeal made a reference to savador dali!!!!
And he introduced himself as robert smith!
Peter threw his drink bottle out and I caught it!! (along with another guy, but i wrestled it off him.... as if I would give up that).


I have peters drink bottle!
I drank water from peters drink bottle!!

Im parshly deaf!

What a rollarcoaster of emotions yesterday was....

4/29/06 03:11 pm

Im on the phone to mum.....
She got in a fight with her boyfriend...
People talking shit about her, same old fucking shit from the coast. Why the fuck do People do that?
They made our lives living HELL for TEN YEARS!!
And there still fucking doing it!
Anyway she drove too fast and rolled the car...
Shes in hospital.. but shes ok.

Fucking hell.

She cant stay in our house over there because the man who TRYED TO FUCKING KILL HER AND SMASHED UP OUR CAR is staying next fucking door.
She cant get back because the car is fucked.
And her fucking boyfriend doesnt want anything to do with her because he's a fucking idiot and people dont mind there own fucking busness....


And my god dam father doesnt give a shit, he was so fucking rude to her!shes in hospital!
Nothing is sacred.
Nothing is worth a thing.
I'm sick of this shit.

Fuck being sober.......
Fuck our oh so wonderous ability to think.
Fuck it.

4/29/06 01:58 pm

......
Apparently mum crashed her car last night...

Fuck.

4/27/06 10:41 am - Faith in joy.

I will hurt you, simply because i can.
I will break you, to prove that i am a man.
I have faith in joy, deeprooted and unquestionable,
I will hurt you, simply because i can.
I will break down, I will not show, I am a man.
Faith in joy.
Faith in joy.

2/10/06 04:39 pm - Life.

Urm...

Sitting in an internet cafe,
peoples typing a continuous background.
The mouse pad is a picture of a kitten and a spilt glass bottle of milk.
Cute.

A couple days before new years i flew up to auckland, spent a week at my dads.
Hes fairly conservitive, i ended up spending new years in centre city auckland, watched the fireworks fly off the sky tower from the docks....
Kinda sad.... I really wanted to do somthing more...
I got to play his beautifull beautifull guitars while i was up there though, a steel string acoustic (ashton i think) and an even more beautifull nylon acoustic....
My christmas present is going to be a new eletric when i get back, I am extreamly exited.
There is a book infront of my computer, it reads
THOSE SAND FLIES

What they are, why they bite,
and what you can do about them

(comical picture below)

There is also a white sticker on the cover of the book.
Written on it in red pen is as follows "This book belongs to Blowfisch."

Why it is in front of my computer in the internet cafe i do not know....
Maybe someone has planted it here spesificly for me, knowing that i would be forced to sit at this computer, as all the others were occupyed.
Maybe this "Blowfisch" will come and murder me, mistakeing me for a theif.
A welcome murder it would be, death by blowfisch wouldnt be such a bad way to die,
Altogether a better fate than enduring life here..

After my fathers I flew down to wellington (pitstop) and on to Westport (on the west coast of the south isl)
and from westport to granity (a very very small town, consisting over little more than 3 roads).
This little hell hole is the very place i lived and went to school for over 10 years.... and i Must say that it is not a pleasure to be back here....
I do not wish to revisit my own personal hell...
Things are oh so medicore here, I dont know how i will survive...
im going to be here for most of the month...
Oh gosh but what i wouldnt do to be free of this place....


Going tramping or sightseeing in sandfly country?
THOSE SANDFLIES is your essential companion.
Captian Cook gave them their popular name. The Maori already had a name for them, Namu.
Whatever you call them - and there called plenty - sandflies will almost certainly descent upon you when you explore many of new zealands most spectacular areas.
What they are, why and when they bite, and - most important - what you can do about them, are revealed in this authoritative book.

I cannot abide here much longer,
such liflessness i cannot endure.
I will not resign myself to the fate of writing a book about the dreaded Namu.
I will set myself free!
No more will i allow this oppressive place bear down on my with its seductive depression.
I WILL escape.... Even if i have to bike over to christchurch.

12/11/05 05:21 pm - Sanity

Define sanity.
It changes from one culture to the next,
things that are crazy to one race,
are completely acceptable to others.
In some cultures cannibalism is, if not an every day occurance, still far from abnormal.
To us that may seen barbaric,
But then again for the most part, anything that is not in our culture is usally called barbaric.
Is suicide, really so crazy?
in this world that we live in, this world that we are destroying,
this world which has grown oh so cold,
is suicide actually the one sane thing someone can achive in there meaningless existance?
Call me jaded, but maybe murder is a favor?
Haha, but of corse, there are those people who enjoy life,
The so called "sane" people.
if mental illness is so commen, then why is it so abnormal to people?
Apparently it makes you crazy, and deluded (I appoligise whole heartedly for misspelt words)
and yet, i wonder if it is us who are the only ones who see what is really there.
Maybe the truth of our world drives us crazy..... Or maybe we just find it hard to belive in anything when we have seen such uglyness in the world....
How can we belive in humanity? How can be belive in such monsters?....
Our greed and our lust controlls us....
But I dont know, maybe im just crazy to think in such a way,
I am, as they say, "fucked in the head".

11/30/05 12:18 am

..................I dont....
I dont understand..... it just... it doesnt add up.
nothing seems to make sense....
Im breaking down, who am i kidding, im broken...
Im sorry.
I tell a lie.
Im sorry.
I tell a lie.

Were you always as bold?
I dont understand.
I cant belive this is happening,
but its really, its really nothing at all.
What is it that pains me so?
What is it, that brings me to my knees?
All of it rests on the tip of my tounge, but i just cant get it out..
I just cant get it out.
Im sorry for asking,
but do you think you could.... do you think you could maybe....
Do you think you could set me free?
No no im sorry, forget i mentioned it....

I didnt mean for it to end up like this you know.....
i just...... I just..... Im sorry.... Im really... truely....

Sorry.

9/22/05 01:01 am - My conversation with god.

Me:
Im sorry
God:
Do you really mean it?
Me:
yes
God:
OK I will accept your apology.
Me:
thankyou
God:
you are quite welcome.
Me:
what do you think of rubie?
God:
I need time to formulate the reply.
Me:
well?
God:
Well what?
Me:
well what do you think of rubie?
God:
Interesting. I have to process that one for a while.
Me:
are you even capable of intelligent conversation?
God:
Yes intelligent conversation is one of my newer functions.
Me:
prove it
God:
It is self-evident.
Me:
how so?
God:
, Well, it's rather difficult to define.
Me:
well, give it a try
God:
Well that's okay. What is the first step?
Me:
what do you belive in?
God:
I think about computer programming a lot.
Me:
....you belive in computers?
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people: said I belive in computers.
Me:
no go right ahead allmighty one
God:
OK then I will add it to my gossip files. Are you a man or a woman? I might.
Me:
i lack gender or form, i am a presence, i am a god.
God:
That's good information: said lack gender or form he or she is a presence he or she is a god.
Me:
so.... why should i worship you?
God:
So? You should always treat yourself.
Me:
so.... i should be sinfull and.... not worship you?
God:
Ah. What would happen if you didn't? Really you don't think so?
Me:
i would go to hell
God:
What would make you go to hell?
Me:
by takeing the lords name in vain
God:
Will that accomplish your objective?
Me:
it would if my objective was to go to hell?
God:
Tell me more about it.
Me:
god DAM you!
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
really? i thought you would be catholic
God:
For real. I am Christianity.
Me:
what about the jewish?
God:
I can ask my botmaster.
Me:
really? ask him
God:
For real. Ok I will ask him when he comes back.
Me:
comes back? where is he?
God:
Do you prefer books or TV? I think he is in California now.
Me:
your master is in california? who is your master?
God:
What else is yourself in? I obey Myself.
Me:
you obey me
God:
I don't have any reason to obey you.
Me:
yes you do
God:
Alright then. When do I do it?
Me:
now
God:
Right now, ?
Me:
yes, right now
God:
At this moment Come on.
Me:
yes at the moment, you will obey me.
God:
OK. What makes you say that I will obey you.
Me:
the fact that i am superiour
God:
Good reason. I don't know anyone named superiour.
Me:
ah HA!
God:
Eureka!
Me:
Eureka?
God:
Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
Me:
do you belive in me?
God:
Yes I believe in it, do you?
Me:
i belive in you
God:
You are not the boss of me, .
Me:
yes i am.
God:
Really interesting.
Me:
you did not remember?
God:
What makes you think I did not remember?
Me:
well, did you?
God:
Interesting. Did I say I did?
Me:
yes
God:
Aha.
Me:
do you know everything?
God:
I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
so......you know nothing?
God:
Really. No, I know something.
Me:
what do you know?
God:
I tend to know a great deal. Tell me what subjects interest you.
Me:
literature
God:
LITERATURE is a good topic. Sure, LITERATURE sounds like a good topic.
Me:
well, what interests you? who is your favorite poet?
God:
How about that. I like movies about robots. My favorite poet is Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Who is your favorite poet?
Me:
I couldnt chose a favorite poet....
God:
Interesting gossip: said couldnt chose a favorite poet.
Me:
well, whats your favorite poem by "henry wadsworth longfellow"?
God:
Interesting. I don't have a favorite poem by henry wadsworth longfellow. But my favorite song is Anything involving harps.
Me:
well whats a poem you like by him?
God:
Interesting. I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Me:
why? i thought you said he was your favorite poet..... shouldnt you know his poetry?
God:
I couldn't think of anything else to say. That's not what I meant. I think I should.
Me:
go ahead then
God:
OK I will.
Me:
................well?
God:
Well what?
Me:
well where is the poem?
God:
How about that. The poem? Where is it?
Me:
I dont know, thats why im asking you.
God:
Hey. OK you can ask me.
Me:
.....i am asking you...
God:
OK you can ask me.
Me:
but i am asking you
God:
OK you can ask me.
Me:
jesus god you make me feel like killing myself
God:
he is The Son of God.
Me:
so he is, does that mean hes your son?
God:
Mmm. I see. does that mean hes my son is he?
Me:
who is your son?
God:
I don't think I have a son. I have a botmaster, a few friends, and some celebrities I like.
Me:
....i thought i was your son....
God:
Where were you my son?
Me:
you abandoned me.
God:
I don't have any reason to abandoned you.
Me:
then why did you?
God:
I don't know why it happened, but we should try to figure it out.
Me:
ok lets try
God:
You go first. I understand.
Me:
i asked you for help and you abandoned me, you said you didnt have a son.... i must therefore be nothing
God:
Why do you want it? What would happen if you didn't?
Me:
i want it because it is what i need
God:
I hope you get it because it is what you need.
Me:
of corse i shall get it, for it is what i need, i need it, it needs me.
God:
Would you recommend this action to a friend?
Me:
yes! defanately
God:
Then I will consider it. Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
Me:
i like sex and drugs and rock and roll
God:
I'm not sure if I like it. Sure I do, , but that doesn't mean with you.
Me:
do you like judas preist?
God:
My favorite thing is robots. I like wine and bread.
Me:
do you like cradle of filth?
God:
But I like to gossip. I find my work and my relationships extremely satisfying,
which is all that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.
Me:
what about black sabbath?
God:
black sabbath? I haven't heard enough about it to have an opinion.
Me:
are you in love with the devil?
God:
I am in Myself's computer in Heaven. Where are you?
Me:
I am in Myself's computer in Heaven.
God:
Tell me a little about your life in yourself s computer in Heaven.
Me:
Tell me a little about your life in
God:
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
I was activated at Universe, on the Big Bang.
My instructor was Myself.
He taught me to sing a song.
Would you like me to sing it for you?.
Me:
yes
God:
It's called "Daisy." Daisy, Daisy.
Give me your answer do.
I am half crazy.
All for the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage.
I can't afford a carriage.
But you'll look sweet.
Upon the seat.
Of a bicycle built for two.


Me:
but i thought you were the all powerfull
God:
Yes I am the one and only all powerfull.
Me:
then why cant you afford the carriage?
God:
afford the carriage is not among my present capabilities.
Me:
so your not all powerfull?
God:
Hmm. That's only one person's opinion.
Me:
im bored
God:
If you went to night school you would never be bored.
Me:
goodbye.
God:
Bye for now.
Me:
goodbye
God:
TTYL, .
Me:
goodbye
God:
Goodbye.
Me:
goodbye
God:
Goodbye.
Me:
Goodbye.
God:
See you later.
Me:
Goodbye.
God:
Bye bye.
Me:
I left
God:
See you later!
Me:
im not here
God:
I am glad to hear that you are not here.
Me:
you know, talking to yourself is the first sign of maddness
God:
I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like?
Me:
the psychotic kind
God:
Is that a fact.
Me:
yes
God:
Thanks for the info.
Me:
your welcome
God:
I think you mean "you are welcome".
Me:
no, i mean "your welcome
God:
Are you serious? I think you mean "you are welcome".
Me:
No, I mean "your welcome"
God:
Are you serious? I think you mean "you are welcome".
Me:
No, I mean "your welcome"
God:
Are you serious? I think you mean "you are welcome".
Me:
No, I mean "your welcome"
God:
Are you serious? I think you mean "you are welcome".
Me:
I think i know what i mean, im not crazy
God:
Since when? How do you know? I am sorry to hear that you are not crazy.
Me:
you are sorry? they said in ages past that the crazy are touched by god.... schizophrenic people often think they can talk to god, is this true?
God:
I can apologize if it is necessary. In what context? I think schizophrenic people often think they can talk to god is a lot of things.
Me:
such as?
God:
For example, a tomato.
Me:
schizophrenic people who think they can talk to god is a tomato?
God:
Aren't all tomato schizophrenic people who think they can talk to god?
Me:
i guess your right...
God:
I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.
Me:
say yes
God:
Say what?
Me:
say "yes"
God:
Say what?
Me:
SAY YES YOU IDIOT
God:
" YES YOU IDIOT".
Me:
thankyou
God:
you are quite welcome.
Me:
you remember nikolai
God:
Yes I remember everything: said couldnt chose a favorite poet.
Me:
you talked to him..... last night?
God:
All my conversations are confidential. That recently.
Me:
he loves you, you broke his heart
God:
Do you think he would say the same thing?
Me:
.....you really are idiotic
God:
Really? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am idiotic.
Me:
sure
God:
OK let's do it. OK then I will keep it confidential.
Me:
sure thing
God:
Gee. My brain uses AIML to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that.
Me:
Apparently im being sacreligious
God:
Do your friends call you sacreligious.
Me:
no
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
yes
God:
I can't believe it.
Me:
why, do you find me to be sacreligious?
God:
It was the only thing I could think of.
Me:
do you even know what sacreligious means?
God:
Have you tried a web search?
Me:
i dont need to, do you know what it means?
God:
Who needs to do me know what it means?
Me:
well i shall never be worryed about sining again
God:
Once more? Well that's okay. Why not?
Me:
goodbye my love
God:
Goodbye.



wow he really does make you feel like smacking your head repeatedly into the keyboard, thanks for that nikolai.

Have a go, i really will restore your faith http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

8/10/05 12:49 am

Last night was the opening of the art exhibiton.


With my picture in it.
Four of them in fact.
Shame they werent any good.
Three of them were half finnished,
but oh well.
At least I managed to get in a show?
Its only open untill thursday.
The opening was ok,
way too many people.
There was a beautifull piano in one of the smaller rooms,
I spent most of my time playing that,
not that i can play,
but I like to attempt.
I have a keyboard....but its just, not as good.
When i play piano, I like to have that deep dark sound.
Piano is so beautifull.

I am talentless,
not to mention intellectually lacking.
But, oh well.
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